So You Want to Take A Sexy Bath
by Carolyn Busa
So now that you got your cool, new waterproof-capable Emojibator, it’s time to take the next step: A sexy bath.
Your Emojibator is a powerful, sexy piece of craftsmanship that can enhance your baths on its own so when used with my suggestions below, you're gonna find yourself wanting to soak a whole lot more. Through my own sexy bath research, I’ve compiled everything you need to take your bath from sexy to sexy. Don’t you just love italics?
1. A bathtub
Yes, it’s true. You need a bathtub. And if you’re like me, you don’t have the clawfoot bathtub of your dreams and instead have the apartment building bathtub that you’ve scrubbed and bleached and scrubbed and bleached and somehow still looks a little sad.
It’s ok. You know it’s clean and that’s all that matters. However, one thing I would suggest is to wait a full 24 hours after cleaning your tub to take your sexy bath. You can’t get horny in a bathtub that moments ago had you choking on bleach fumes. It’s not safe. Take a shower and rest up.
2. Reading material
While you wait for the smell of bleach to escape your memory and nostrils (hint: shove your nose in ground coffee) gather your reading material. There a few options I’ve learned work best with a bath. Magazines are good. I wasn’t concerned about them getting wet and some of them smell real nice. But when I accidentally used my sexy bath to catch up on TIME, things fizzled pretty quickly. Whatever your opinion on impeachment, believe me, it’s not a good bath pairing. What I found worked best for me was poetry. More specifically, erotic poetry. Holy bath bomb is it HOT.
-Use the pickle Emojibator for poetry
-Use the banana for any fantasy readings
-Use the chili pepper Emojibator for nonfiction (Don't ask, it just works)
Here’s where your phone (or sound system if you’re super rad) comes to play. You don’t want to be adjusting your music during your bath (electronics + wet = electrocution) so really take the time to curate a sexy, vibey bath playlist that you can ride out. Remember to add enough songs to allow not only for the duration of the actual bath but also for the filling of the bath, the lighting of the candles, towel prep, food prep, drink prep, emptying of the bladder, pre-bath stretch, and of course, the tedious, toe-by-toe process that is getting into the bath. Three-fours hours worth of songs should be ok.
-Do NOT listen to NPR or any type of comedy podcast.
-Remember to keep your devices fully charged. A Bluetooth speaker at 20% is barely gonna make it past food prep.
4. Food & Drink
A sexy bath is incomplete without some sort of drink that has bubbles and some sort of snack that has truffle. Even if you don’t like truffle, suck it up. It’s a must for the bath. Most likely, you’ll be keeping your food and snack on top of your nearby toilet so maybe consider putting a decorative cloth down first. Nothing too flashy, you don’t want some floral pattern dominating your chill bath. Solid colors only.
Well that’s easy. Light a bunch of candles, right? Yes and no. I thought candles would be the easiest part of my sexy bath but I quickly realized, they are more troublesome than I expected. First off, any scented candles have to be carefully evaluated. Mix the wrong scents and you could have an aroma disaster! Also, steer clear from any Glade-type candles, especially those with Febreze. Good for your smelly dog, bad for your sexy bath.
Another thing to consider is the various burn levels of your candles. Those holy, bodega candles might provide the perfect look but if you got one that’s burned nearly to the bottom, you’re gonna need the right kind of fire starter. I only had 2 matches and a lighter and after the 3rd painful try, I had to sacrifice my Virgin Mary. Too on the nose?
Anyway, save yourself some trouble and invest in one of those long lighters for your hard-to-lighters and ABTMFBAR (always be taking matchbooks from bars and restaurants). Always.
Hey, we love our genitals, right? But when taking a bath, we want those bad boys and girls hidden away under thick, soapy layers of bubbles. The kind of perfectly-placed, ‘How are they not moving?’ bubbles that you see on network TV and PG-13 movies.
If you’re a kind soul, you can scoop them up, give them a kiss, and blow them away. Personally, I become a feisty, bubble villain. I need all the bubbles! Get me all the bubbles or else! I’ve also found playing with bubbles while laughing maniacally is oddly arousing. Maybe it’s time to admit that despite my red hair, I’m more Ursula than Ariel.
Well, there you go my little wet ones. Everything you need for you and your Emojibator to get your sexy bath on. It’s a lot to consider (and should only take a week or two to prepare) but the wrinkly results are so, so worth it.